Learning about being a service oriented sub and what service does for me

In my previous blog entry (https://propertyofmslee.wordpress.com/2016/12/20/permission-revoked/ ) I mentioned how Ms Lee instructed me to change my focus to service oriented things instead of dwelling on the frustration I was enduring as a result of my extended period of chastity. I have found that keeping my focus oriented on service has helped immensely. I am discovering that when I am hard at work on service tasks such as hand washing Ms Lee’s panties or cleaning about the house that I become calm with a feeling of contentment. When I dwell on my unrelenting chastity I get frustrated and distracted, unable to satisfy my pigmale urges. I am happier and feel more fulfilled when I am hard at work, toiling on my chores.

I have now begun my third month of chastity for the pleasure of Ms Lee and I have no idea how much longer it will be before it suits her whim to allow me any sort of release. In the past, when it pleased Ms Lee to have me endure such long periods of chastity I would go crazy with desperation and pester her with my frustration. But now when the frustration begins to build I follow Ms Lee’s advice and turn my focus to service oriented things. I get myself busy doing laundry, washing dishes and cleaning about the house. Before long I find myself fully focused on my task at hand and my frustration is forgotten.

Under Ms Lee’s tutelage I have gradually come to a more complete understanding concerning my role and destiny as a service oriented submissive. Long ago I had fantasied about being a stereotypical sissy maid and at the time my motivation was much more about satisfying my own fantasies. Ms Lee has never catered to my pigmale fantasies but she did seem to appreciate the idea of having me serve her and perform household tasks for her. I have developed an intense, ingrained need to please Ms Lee so my focus gradually changed from fantasizing about being a sissy maid to the more useful concept of pleasing Ms Lee with my service. And by service I mean non-sexual services such as doing laundry and cleaning about the home. Ms Lee certainly enjoys being sexually pleasured and serviced but I think she would be perfectly satisfied with me even if I performed nothing but non-sexual services for her. She has plenty of alpha men and slaves that are better skilled at sexually pleasing her but I think with sufficient training and devotion I could possibly become the optimum service oriented submissive for her.

Over time I have learned more about service and have posted a number of blog entries about pleasing Ms Lee with my service, including my Service Skills and Research section. A little over a year ago Ms Lee helped me understand that Service Oriented Submission was my natural role. This was a major revelation for me, helping me to understand my life long obsession with submission and enabling me to embrace my proper role. More recently, one of my Christmas gifts from Ms Lee was the book “The Butler Speaks“. It is an excellent book about proper butler etiquette and skills and I am finding it quite useful. I have only just begun to read it but I look forward to studying it with the intensity I put into graduate level courses at college.

While I have been learning quite a bit about Service Oriented Submission it has only been during my current extended chastity period that I have truly realized what it does for me, personally. While my primary interest and destiny is focused on pleasing Ms Lee it is appropriate and ideal that being a service oriented submissive has intrinsic benefits for me also. I will be a much better submissive, and a happier one, as a result.

The first benefit to me, as mentioned above, is to relieve my frustration by focusing on service oriented things. It is quite obvious that extreme long term chastity for me pleases Ms Lee so I need to learn how to adjust to the reality of a chaste life. If I remained focused on my frustration I would not be happy with my lot and would not be properly motivated to fulfill my role as a service oriented submissive. I am learning how to channel my frustration in a positive manner, harnessing the energy of denial to function better in my service role.

The second benefit of learning about being a service oriented submissive is that I am learning how to be a good, useful submissive. If I pursued my fantasy of being a sissy maid I would not please my dominant (in my case, Ms Lee), nor would I please myself since I would be pursuing an unrealistic objective.

The third benefit to me is that I am learning how to enjoy being a service oriented submissive. I mentioned earlier in this post that when I am performing a service oriented task I find myself feeling content and fulfilled. In an almost zen like manner, the more focused I become on my service, the more content and serene I feel. I have been excited to find that this benefit also applies to tasks I do that are not in the direct service of Ms Lee. Even when I am doing my own laundry or other personal tasks I am finding myself more content and focused on my work. I am learning that being a service oriented sub is my natural role. It fits me and it makes me feel complete.

 

 

Permission Revoked

For a good portion of this year Ms Lee has been generous enough to allow me to masturbate once per month at a time of my choosing. I was very grateful to her for this but was always aware that she could end my monthly fun at any time. Recently she did just that, telling me that I was once again to be in chastity and not to touch myself in a sexual way without her permission.

Unfortunately I failed to understand her clear instruction to be in chastity and mistakenly assumed that I did not need to resume wearing my chastity sleeve. When Ms Lee became aware of my failure to adhere to her explicit expectations she was understandably upset with me. As a result of my failure she is requiring me to wear my chastity sleeve 24 hours a day with the only exception being when I shower.

Previously whenever I wore my chastity sleeve 24 hours a day it would soon wind up bruised and battered as my deprived penis strained against the implacable chastity chains in a futile attempt to enjoy an erection. This time was no different and soon my penis was suffering from a number of bruises and cuts. Here is a photo showing a couple of scabs on my penis that resulted from the damage it suffered:

You might notice in the photo that the fur around my penis has been severely cut back and shaved. This was a result of my needing to trim back my fur so I would not offend Ms Lee with any unsightly hair showing under some new, dainty panties that I purchased to replace some of my worn older ones.

It has now been almost three weeks since Ms Lee required me to begin wearing my chastity sleeve 24×7 and my poor penis is finally beginning to get used to its fate. The scabs are slowly clearing but my penis continues to feel like a squashed and crushed sausage. Frankly it looks like one too. I would never dare disobey Ms Lee’s expectation that I not touch myself sexually without her permission but even if I did I doubt it would be any fun stroking a penis that is covered in scabs and bruises.

When I mentioned my frustration to Ms Lee she told me to change my focus to service oriented things. This made sense as it was pointless to worry about my frustration since I had no control over when I might be allowed to touch myself. As I turned my focus more often to service related things like my chores and housework I found that it made a big difference, keeping my mind off things I shouldn’t worry about. Most importantly I realized that it probably pleased Ms Lee to see me becoming more focused and devoted to my housework.

I have noticed over the last week or two that when I take my chastity sleeve off and shower that my penis no longer gets the slightest bit hard. I used to have to be careful to avoid getting it excited when I washed around it but recently it has ceased to respond to that. Perversely the only time it attempts an erection is when I am putting my chastity sleeve back on after a shower. I think it is a reaction to the realization that my penis is going back into chastity. Here is a photo I took this morning showing the head of my penis straining like mad after the chastity chains were attached, preventing any chance of my penis becoming erect:

Some people might wonder if Ms Lee will allow me a release as a Christmas present. But I think the more appropriate Christmas gift would be if Ms Lee enjoyed having me remain in chastity well into the new year. My own pigmale desires for sexual pleasure are irrelevant but I dearly hope that Ms Lee derives some pleasure or amusement from my unrelenting chastity and frustration. I realize this might seem strange but my extended chastity and inability to experience an erection has further conditioned me to focus solely on Ms Lee’s pleasure and satisfaction.

 

 

 

 

Another break

It has been over three months since my last posting and I must apologize to Ms Lee and my readers for neglecting this blog. As will occasionally happen in my overly busy life I was unable to keep up with all the demands that were put upon me and had to work myself ragged just to make sure nothing critical fell apart. It finally looks like I am getting a handle on everything but you never know what might happen next.

I have to thank Ms Lee with all my heart for being so understanding during this period (as well as previous ones). She has generously allowed me time to deal with my issues and gave me a chance to catch up with everything. I don’t know how I could have managed without her support. However I feel guilty for not keeping up with my blog as well as other expectations I should have been more responsible about. All I can do is try harder to meet my responsibilities and hope that Ms Lee will forgive me.

Back in June Ms Lee also generously told me that I would be allowed to masturbate freely once a month on a day of my choosing. She also has not required me to wear my chastity sleeve on a daily basis. This has really helped to reduce my stress levels but I am well aware that I cannot expect this excessive level of freedom to continue forever.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to take advantage of Ms Lee’s generous offer for the month of July. I had held out as long as I could and I was incredibly horny and frustrated by then. I had begun to frequently find myself thinking about my purple babydoll nightie that I keep in the back of my closet. When I purchased it Ms Lee told me that I should wear it every time I was allowed a release. I told Ms Lee I wanted to wear my babydoll nightie when I released and I also asked her if I could plug myself with my anal plug. I wanted to try to stretch out my enjoyment and try to avoid coming in less than a minutes as I all too frequently do. Ms Lee was generous once again and gave me permission to do so.

Once I was properly plugged and dressed in my babydoll nightie I began stroking my penis. I was rock hard in no time and worried that I might release all too soon as usual. So I slowed down and tried to control myself. Before long I found myself thinking about serving Ms Lee as her formal butler. I long ago ceased having normal male masturbation fantasies. Mine now revolve around my pretty lingerie and serving Ms Lee. For some reason the idea of serving Ms Lee as a formal English butler gives me an incredible submissive rush. I used to fantasize about serving Ms Lee as a sissy french maid but she made it clear that she preferred to be served by an English butler. She does not cater to my pigmale fantasies and I have dedicated myself to learning how to be the best possible English butler so that I can properly please and serve Ms Lee.

But I digress. As I thought about serving as an English Butler I stopped stroking myself and began moving my plug in and out of my greedy rear. I would pull it almost all of the way out and then ram it all the way in. I continued in this fashion until I could no longer keep my hands off Ms Lee’s property. I began stroking myself again but stopped every time I came too close to releasing. I actually managed to stretch out my play time to a full 15 minutes, far longer than I have managed in years. I’m not quite sure what to make of that, but it was quite enjoyable.

I released quite a large load which I then dutifully licked up. I then put everything away, thankful that Ms Lee is so understanding and generous. Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to be Ms Lee’s property.

 

My role in the pleasure of Ms Lee

Since she has taken me as her property I have been faithfully devoted to the pleasure of Ms Lee. I always keep my focus on pleasing her and satisfying her desires in any way I can. However recently I have been adjusting to the reality that Ms Lee has multiple lovers and submissives who pleases her sexually. As a result I have been struggling to understand how best I can please her – what role do I play, how do I best enhance her pleasure and satisfaction?

Ms Lee has made it clear that regardless of her other relationships she intends to keep me as her property and that my primary role will be to serve as her butler. This had also disturbed me as I discussed previously because I have had fantasies of serving as Ms Lee’s sissy maid. But Ms Lee does not pander to my pigmale fantasies and I now understand that dressing and acting as a sissy maid would only distract me from my primary purpose which is to please Ms Lee. I have now embraced the idea of being Ms Lee’s full time, live-in butler which is how I can best achieve my destiny as a service oriented submissive devoted to the pleasure of Ms Lee.

It is apparent that Ms Lee has a voracious appetite for pleasure, more than any one man could possibly satisfy. As a sexually hungry woman she has multiple men in her life. In addition to other lovers and boyfriends she has recently taken on a very talented lover who sexually pleases her perhaps better than any other man before. Naturally there is a role for real men to please her sexually. But it is clear that Ms Lee also has a need to own a male servant in every way – heart, mind and body. My goal and destiny is to be her devoted male servant. My heart is devoted to her pleasure in every way, happily sacrificing my own pleasure in order to enhance hers. My mind is devoted to learning the skills necessary to serve her properly and constantly thinking of ways to please and satisfy her. And my body is devoted to her pleasure also. Every day I wear my tight chastity sleeve which severely restricts any attempts to enjoy an erection. I also wear panties on a daily basis, which torments me with a mix of embarrassment and teasing frustration. And when it suits Ms Lee’s whim I may be required to wear my anal plug or subjected to physical punishment if warranted. I am thankful that she has given me the opportunity to be her male servant, devoted solely to her pleasure and nothing else.

While I am thrilled that Ms Lee is enjoying fantastic sex with her lover I have been wondering what role I might play in sexually pleasing and satisfying her. Of course when it comes to sexually pleasing Ms Lee there has never been any doubt that my own inadequate penis would be incapable of properly pleasing her. That is assuming I was attempting to sexually please her like a real man. Instead perhaps it is more appropriate that my penis pleases her in the only manner it is capable of – by remaining in faithful chastity, frustrated and forbidden to enjoy the sexual pleasure a real man enjoys at will. I am thrilled that in this unique way my penis can contribute to the pleasure of Ms Lee. While she obviously enjoys being pleasured sexually by real men, allowing them and their superior cocks to enjoy sex with her,  it is also clear that she appreciates having a male’s penis under her firm control, denied and frustrated while she freely enjoys all the sexual pleasure she deserves. I understand that it pleases Ms Lee to have my male sex suppressed or perhaps completely eradicated and I embrace this as my destiny since my only desire is to please her.

While my penis will probably play no role in pleasing Ms Lee (other than remaining in faithful chastity) there may be other ways I can sexually please Ms Lee. Perhaps rimming her is a role I could fill, assuming that she is not fully satisfied in that way by her lover or other real men. I would relish being the one who was devoted to pleasing her in that manner. It is also quite possible that occasionally it might please Ms Lee to have me orally please her pussy. I suspect she would enjoy experiencing multiple orgasms while I was firmly chastised, my frustration driving me to pleasure her to the utmost of my ability.

 I would also hope that Ms Lee would allow me to frequently pleasure and worship her lovely feet. Making love to her feet is another appropriate role that I could fulfill. I would hope that after treating Ms Lee to a professional quality foot massage and pedicure that on occasion she might allow me to worship her lovely feet as my reward for excellent service. Of course I am clear that such a privilege would only be an occasional reward granted if it suits her whim, I am certainly not automatically entitled to anything, no matter how hard I toil for her pleasure.

Since Ms Lee’s pleasure is my primary goal and purpose I am appropriately thrilled that she is being sexually pleasured by the real men in her life. Recently she informed me that she spent the day of my birthday being sexually pleasured and f**ked by her skillful lover. I have to admit that hearing that overwhelmed me with waves of submissive feelings – I was happy she was being pleasured and I was frustrated that I remained in faithful chastity while she and her lover were enjoying the sexual pleasure I willingly forego in order to please her. I told her that I sincerely hoped her pleasure was enhanced knowing that while she was being f**ked I was in chastity to suit her whim. I also told her that I hoped her lover’s pleasure was enhanced as he appreciated her new haircut which I had paid for (she looks so beautiful with her new hair style!).  It occurs to me that I should do whatever I can to enhance her lover’s pleasure when he is with her – because that in turn will enhance her pleasure.

I am sure I will continue to struggle as I adapt to the reality that Ms Lee is being well pleasured, both sexually and emotionally, by her lover and other real men. I am grateful that she desires to keep me as her property and I know all will be well as long as I continue to focus on nothing but her pleasure, avoiding the distractions that worrying about myself would cause.

A Recurring Fantasy

I am currently beginning my third month in chastity for the pleasure of Ms Lee. My record is over three months so it is quite possible that my chastity will continue for a considerable time yet. I have never mentioned this to Ms Lee, but when I reach these extended times in chastity I begin to dwell on a recurring fantasy that I believe is related to the frustration I am experiencing due to knowing that Ms Lee could very well keep me in chastity for a lengthy and unknown period of time.

This fantasy found its origins in my curiosity about just how long Ms Lee might eventually expect me to remain in chastity for her. When we first began experimenting with me being in chastity the periods were rather short, just a few weeks or so. Over time the length of my chastity periods grew steadily, eventually exceeding an entire month. At that point I has thought she had achieved her objective and would be satisfied with me enduring an entire lunar cycle (or a woman’s cycle?) before I was allowed to enjoy a pigmale’s release.

Of course I was wrong. Ms Lee continued to up the ante and soon had me reach the impressive milestone of 40 days in chastity. However, while I was impressed with 40 days of chastity Ms Lee did not seem to be impressed in the least. She continued to increase the length of my chastity periods until I reached the unbelievable goal of 2 entire months in chastity for her pleasure. Even that did not seem to satisfy her and next I reached an entire quarter of a year, three months of unrelenting chastity! Once again this did not seem to quench Ms Lee’s thirst for seeing me endure strict and frustrating chastity sessions of ever longer periods and she continues to push me to endure longer and more challenging periods of chastity for her pleasure.

As my periods of chastity grew longer Ms Lee began having me attempt to achieve a release by anal stimulation alone. I have experimented quite a bit with anal play as I attempted to meet her expectation that I achieve a release without the use of my pigmale penis. At times I have come close, but I have not yet accomplished this for her. I know it will happen one day, particularly as I become so mindlessly desperate for release after months in chastity.

As I contemplated the likely reality that one day I will be capable of releasing without the use of my penis I began to wonder what Ms Lee’s intentions would be at that point. Would she see any point in ever allowing me a release with penile stimulation again? I suspected that she would occasionally allow this just so she could keep me off balance, never knowing when I might be allowed to play with her property. I also suspected that those opportunities would become more and more rare, as I know it would please her much more to have me only experience ‘hands off’ releases as a result of anal stimulation.

But what if she decided to cut me off permanently from penile stimulation? With the plethora of chastity devices available I have no doubt that one could be found that could be worn indefinitely. I have heard of some chastity devices that are attached via piercings in the penis and I have read stories where these piercings have been made permanent. Would Ms Lee ever subject me to such a fate? I’m not sure, but I have to admit that when my chastity periods begin to be counted in months I find myself fantasizing about this possibility.

I was hesitant to post this because I know that Ms Lee does not pander to my fantasies. I always have to remember that our unique relationship is based solely on her pleasure and my sacrifices towards that end. However, she has also made it clear that I should always let her know what I am thinking about and feeling so I thought it was important to express my thoughts about this. I doubt that she will reveal her eventual plans for me and I suppose that only time will tell. In the meantime I need to cease obsessing about this possibility and stay focused on what is important, the pleasure of Ms Lee.

 

 

Ms Lee relieves my frustration

Ms Lee still has not allowed me a release this year and my frustration has been getting worse by the day. I hesitate to mention my frustration to her because I don’t want to sound like I am begging for relief. I know she enjoys having me endure lengthy periods of chastity and as I mentioned in my previous blog entry I consider my chastity to be a gift that I offer to her. However this does not make my frustration any easier to bear and since Ms Lee always wants to know how I am feeling I have told her of my mounting frustration on occasion (she has also told me that she finds my reports of frustration to be entertaining).

Recently Ms Lee responded to one of my reports of desperate frustration and told me that it was a shame that I was struggling so much with my frustration. When I read those first few words in her response I thought that she might be about to grant me a rare release. My brief hope was quickly smashed as I read her next sentence asking me if I needed her to have me beat my unruly penis into submission so it would no longer distract me. I swear I could hear her chuckling as she finished by saying that she would be only too happy to do so.

I faced a new struggle as I considered my response to her question. I have punished my penis for her in the past and found it quite painful. However I am ashamed to admit that I found the pain perversely exciting. I know that Ms Lee does not pander to such pigmale perversions of mine but I also suspected that she would greatly enjoy seeing my penis punished for being so greedy. So I told her I would certainly punish my penis if that would please her and I was relieved when she then told me that she would not require me to inflict visible bruises.

I decided to video tape the punishment of my penis for the entertainment of Ms Lee and wound up creating three short videos. Here is a link to the video I created of my initial punishment:

Initial punishment of my unruly penis

My poor penis was already stinging by the time I finished my initial punishment but I was concerned there may have been too much shaking as I held my phone to take the video so I decided to create a second video:

More punishment for my unruly penis

My beaten penis was really hurting at this point as the repeated smacks of the wooden ruler were taking a serious toll. However I still wasn’t certain that I had managed to create an acceptable video so I created one more showing my unruly penis being put in it’s place:

Unruly penis being put in it’s place

After the third beating my penis was truly hurting and it turned out that I had inflicted a nasty looking bruise on the side of my penis where the ruler punished it. And it also turned out that all three videos were suitable for viewing. When I presented them to Ms Lee and told her of my bruising I expected that she might be sympathetic. I should not have been surprised when she instead just replied that she found the videos hilarious. That was not exactly the response I had been hoping for but I was very happy that she was pleased. After all, her pleasure is all that matters and I am always anxious to find a way to please her.

 

Still Practicing

It has been a month since my last release and I still haven’t had any success with milking myself. I am getting quite frustrated and desperate however and that seems to really be helping me get closer to achieving my goal. One of my problems is that things have been fairly hectic in my life lately, which happens too often. As a result I have not been relaxed enough to truly enjoy my milking practice sessions and really get into it.

One good thing is that I have begun to truly enjoy my milking sessions, enough so that I no longer miss masturbating so much. Pleasuring myself anally is nowhere near as intense and quick as masturbation but it provides a different, more lasting type of pleasure. I actually appreciate this quite a bit since I was not able to hold back for long on the infrequent occasions when Ms Lee allowed me to touch myself. I think that my years of extended chastity have ruined my staying power.

While my goal is to learn how to milk myself without touching myself I am also learning to enjoy anal pleasure for its own sake even without producing anything. I like the feeling of my dildo massaging my prostate and I enjoy the pleasure of filling my greedy rear and ramming my dildo in and out. I am learning how to appreciate a very different sex life than that enjoyed by a ‘real’ man but it seems appropriate for me as the property of Ms Lee.

A Lifetime of Chastity

During a recent conversation with Ms Lee she told me to expect to be in chastity for the rest of my life, never to be out of it without her permission. She also told me that I would never again have any sort of release without her permission, nor would I eve be allowed to touch myself in a sexual manner without her permission. She then told me to think about that and then tell her how that made me feel.

I have been in chastity for the pleasure of Ms Lee on and off for six years now but her announcement threw me into shock. There have occasionally been periods during these six years when Ms Lee did not require me to be in chastity and when she did require me to be in chastity I think there was a little voice in the back of my mind that told someday I would be out of chastity again. I never really thought about the possibility that I would never be out of chastity again but I realized that Ms Lee was quite serious about it. She had decided that I would never again be out of chastity without her permission and as her property I had no choice but to accept her decision.

It was very clear that she would never again allow me the freedom to decide when I could masturbate or play with myself. From now on that would be for her to decide and I would be completely dependent on her whim and mood. The more I thought about it the deeper my shock became. I would be permanently sacrificing what most real men value most – the freedom to sexually satisfy themselves whenever and however they please. Of course I am not a real man, I am Ms Lee’s property and I realized that it was presumptuous of me to think I should ever have the responsibility to decide when I could touch myself. Whenever I had been free to do so I soon fell into the habit of masturbating multiple times a day like a little school boy, wasting my time and sexual energy. Ms Lee knew that my sexual energy could be harnessed for a much more beneficial purpose – her pleasure, amusement and satisfaction.

Forever more my opportunities to enjoy sexual pleasure are to be tied to her pleasure. I only experience sexual pleasure if it pleases Ms Lee to have me do so. It does me no good to worry about my greedy desire to pleasure myself because that is no longer my prerogative. If I expect to ever be given permission to touch myself or masturbate I’d better concentrate on making Ms Lee happy because there is no other path open for me. And even if I perform perfectly and provide Ms Lee with pleasure and satisfaction there is no guarantee that I will be given permission. If it suits her whim to deny me just for the fun of it then I must accept that and be happy for the opportunity to amuse her with my sexual frustration. My goal is to please her, not me. Even though my pleasure is tied to hers this is not a two way street. I please her whenever and however I can. She allows me pleasure whenever it pleases her and she is free to deny me for any reason at all.

Whenever I think about sexual pleasure it will be HER sexual pleasure that I focus on, I will never again be allowed to pursue sexual pleasure for myself. Instead I will experience sexual pleasure vicariously through her. This is very heady stuff and I am just starting to realize just how severely I will have to change my approach to pleasure and sexual satisfaction. I suppose it will be as if my own sexual being ceases to be mine to control or enjoy. Instead, whenever I desire to experience sexual pleasure my first and only thought will be to pursue her sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

I must apologize if I am rambling a bit but the idea of lifetime chastity is still shaking me to the core, particularly since I am well aware of how seriously Ms Lee takes it. I am in awe of the times she had me endure months and months of chastity and I have to admit that I am afraid to even think about the very real possibility that she will have me endure that again, perhaps just because it suits her whim at some point. I know that in comparison to past experiences she is being very generous in allowing me weekly opportunities right now to beg for permission to touch myself and I am very grateful for that.

My mind continues to spin as I contemplate a lifetime of strict chastity but I realize that I should be thankful that Ms Lee cares enough about me to commit to a permanent responsibility to oversee my opportunities to enjoy sexual pleasure. I am very fortunate to be her property and I can’t thank her enough for that.

When I presented the draft of this blog entry (up to this point) to Ms Lee she told me she wanted me to express how her decision of lifetime chastity made me FEEL, not what I thought about it. She challenged me, once again, to give her the answer she really wanted, not the one I thought she wanted.

How I feel is overwhelmed. I have been experiencing a mix of feelings which have been difficult to pick apart. The primary feeling I am experiencing is one of losing control. I may enjoy wearing lingerie like a sissy but I am still a man inside and my first instinct is to try to take control of a situation. If chastity was an on and off thing then I still maintain some level of control. But to embrace the reality that I will spend the rest of my life in chastity without a break means that I will never again have control of my own sexuality. I will never again be free to decide how and when I can touch myself or produce. The very thought of giving up any control at all scares me very deeply.

Right behind my feeling of a loss of control is one of acceptance. I know that I am incapable of properly controlling my sexual desires and impulses. I will always fall into a rut of masturbating multiple times a day like a little schoolboy, wasting my time and energy. Being in chastity for Ms Lee provides me with the discipline I am incapable of applying myself. I know it is for the best if I embrace the idea of being in chastity for the rest of my life because I can trust Ms Lee to know what is best for me. Along with acceptance I am feeling a sense of relief, knowing that I will never again have to worry about wrestling with that demon pigmale inside of me. Ms Lee will eradicate that demon.

One other thing I am feeling is uncertainty. I know what chastity is like but I have no idea how things will play out now that I accept giving up any control at all regarding my sexuality. I trust Ms Lee without reservation but it scares me to go into this uncharted land of no control. So I run back to that feeling of acceptance and embrace it. I must let go of control and truly embrace being the property of Ms Lee. It feels good to let go.

Feeling like a sissy

I’m not sure exactly when the change occurred but I’ve realized that my reaction to wearing panties has gradually changed from embarrassment to anticipation and excitement. I’ve always gotten hard and excited in response to the embarrassment I experience when wearing panties but now my excitement is also due to the pure pleasure I obtain from wearing them.

Recently I have had some discussions with Ms Lee because I have been struggling with admitting to myself that I am a sissy. I have been wearing panties and experiencing chastity for years but I had always felt like a man that was just experimenting with submission. Being told to wear panties was part of that submission and although wearing them got me excited and hard it was always due to the embarrassment I endured. But over time the primary reason for my excitement has shifted from embarrassment to the enjoyment I now experience from wearing panties.

I have become quite obsessed with my pretty panties and I have accumulated a large collection including a number of them with garters and frilly skirts. Plain panties are no longer good enough, I now search for frilly and sexy panties, preferably with a lacy garter belt. I think a primary driver of this obsession was due to the sexual starvation I endured when in chastity. I desperately craved any sort of sexual stimulation and I learned to enjoy the feel of my silky panties embracing my chastised genitals. Attached is a photo of one of my favorite pairs of panties, they include a lacy built in skirt and detachable garters.

Another obsession I had developed due to Ms Lee’s training involves my extensive collection of anal toys. Ms Lee requires that I conduct a morning Worship session every day that includes having my hungry rear stuffed with my anal plug. I have learned to enjoy the sexual stimulation I experience when my plug presses against my prostate. Just like what happened with wearing panties, I have come to crave my morning Worship sessions and the frustrating excitement I derive from having my anal plug tease my prostate. And just like with my panties, my obsession with my anal plugs makes me feel like a sissy. More information on my morning Worship sessions can be found in this blog entry – How i Worship my Goddess

Ms Lee told me that I should not be ashamed of anything that makes me feel good and she encouraged me to embrace being a sissy if that made me happy. While admitting that I was a sissy felt right to me I was still uneasy because of my preconception that all sissies are gay and that many of them wear diapers and act like little children or babies. While these things may be fine for other sissies they are not part of what I am. Ms Lee helped me to understand that I should not worry about the preconceptions of what is ‘normal’ for a sissy and that I should just enjoy those aspects that make me happy.

I am now putting Ms Lee’s advice into practice as I embrace being a sissy. I truly enjoy wearing panties and playing with my anal dildo and I am no longer distracted with the preconceptions about being a sissy that don’t apply to me. Once again Ms Lee has helped me to better understand my submissive nature. I am truly blessed to be owned by Ms Lee and I am very grateful.

The return of the sleeve

I recently made a big mistake by comparing myself to other men. I had been telling Ms Lee about the unbearable frustration I have been enduring and I said that I didn’t know how much longer I could go without tasting the sexual pleasure that most men get to enjoy at their leisure. At the time I was begging Ms Lee for my weekly permission to touch myself and I realize now that I should not have compared myself to other men in regards to their sexual freedom.

When Ms Lee responded to my begging She told me that she could see that I was really beginning to suffer but she had also noticed that I had made the mistake of comparing myself to other men. She reminded me that I was her property and that meant that I didn’t compare to other men. She then informed me that the consequence was that I was to put on my chastity sleeve and not remove it until she had given me permission. She also informed me that I had squandered my weekly opportunity to touch myself and I was to wait till the next week to beg again.

I had thought that I couldn’t possibly get any more frustrated but once more Ms Lee turned my world upside down and drove me deeper into submission to her. Although not being allowed to touch myself was extremely frustrating I at least got to enjoy the feel of an unrestrained erection like a real man. But I am not a real man, I am Ms Lee’s property and now I no longer get to even enjoy erections, much less touch myself.

I had also forgotten just how difficult it was to put my chastity sleeve on. (Those who are not familiar with my chastity sleeve can check some of the past postings about it: Chastity sleeve postings).

It is a major struggle to get my sleeve on, especially since my deprived penis gets quite excited from the handling required to get it in the sleeve. Once in place my sleeve performs an extremely effective job of preventing anything approaching a full erection. And when my naughty penis does try to become erect it is severely punished by the chains holding the sleeve in place. Those chains cut in deeply whenever my penis makes a futile effort at becoming erect.

The photo below shows my penis restrained by my chastity sleeve. This is a homemade sleeve which has the advantage of being unnoticeable under my pants. The tightness of the restricting chains is also easily adjustable, a feature which Ms Lee has used to her advantage. She has at times enjoyed having me remove links to make my sleeve even tighter but she has never allowed me to add any links back once they have been removed. Anyone who is interested in how my sleeve is fashioned can check out this posting – Ms Lee’s Chastity Sleeve

You might notice in the photo below that none of my fur pokes out from beneath my panties. I have previously made the mistake of presenting myself to Ms Lee with some random hairs showing and every time She has me correct my error, removing even more. Ms Lee does not like to see any fur showing from beneath my panties so I am always carefully grooming myself. Some of my panties are fairly skimpy and at this point I have removed quite a bit.