A Lifetime of Chastity

During a recent conversation with Ms Lee she told me to expect to be in chastity for the rest of my life, never to be out of it without her permission. She also told me that I would never again have any sort of release without her permission, nor would I eve be allowed to touch myself in a sexual manner without her permission. She then told me to think about that and then tell her how that made me feel.

I have been in chastity for the pleasure of Ms Lee on and off for six years now but her announcement threw me into shock. There have occasionally been periods during these six years when Ms Lee did not require me to be in chastity and when she did require me to be in chastity I think there was a little voice in the back of my mind that told someday I would be out of chastity again. I never really thought about the possibility that I would never be out of chastity again but I realized that Ms Lee was quite serious about it. She had decided that I would never again be out of chastity without her permission and as her property I had no choice but to accept her decision.

It was very clear that she would never again allow me the freedom to decide when I could masturbate or play with myself. From now on that would be for her to decide and I would be completely dependent on her whim and mood. The more I thought about it the deeper my shock became. I would be permanently sacrificing what most real men value most – the freedom to sexually satisfy themselves whenever and however they please. Of course I am not a real man, I am Ms Lee’s property and I realized that it was presumptuous of me to think I should ever have the responsibility to decide when I could touch myself. Whenever I had been free to do so I soon fell into the habit of masturbating multiple times a day like a little school boy, wasting my time and sexual energy. Ms Lee knew that my sexual energy could be harnessed for a much more beneficial purpose – her pleasure, amusement and satisfaction.

Forever more my opportunities to enjoy sexual pleasure are to be tied to her pleasure. I only experience sexual pleasure if it pleases Ms Lee to have me do so. It does me no good to worry about my greedy desire to pleasure myself because that is no longer my prerogative. If I expect to ever be given permission to touch myself or masturbate I’d better concentrate on making Ms Lee happy because there is no other path open for me. And even if I perform perfectly and provide Ms Lee with pleasure and satisfaction there is no guarantee that I will be given permission. If it suits her whim to deny me just for the fun of it then I must accept that and be happy for the opportunity to amuse her with my sexual frustration. My goal is to please her, not me. Even though my pleasure is tied to hers this is not a two way street. I please her whenever and however I can. She allows me pleasure whenever it pleases her and she is free to deny me for any reason at all.

Whenever I think about sexual pleasure it will be HER sexual pleasure that I focus on, I will never again be allowed to pursue sexual pleasure for myself. Instead I will experience sexual pleasure vicariously through her. This is very heady stuff and I am just starting to realize just how severely I will have to change my approach to pleasure and sexual satisfaction. I suppose it will be as if my own sexual being ceases to be mine to control or enjoy. Instead, whenever I desire to experience sexual pleasure my first and only thought will be to pursue her sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

I must apologize if I am rambling a bit but the idea of lifetime chastity is still shaking me to the core, particularly since I am well aware of how seriously Ms Lee takes it. I am in awe of the times she had me endure months and months of chastity and I have to admit that I am afraid to even think about the very real possibility that she will have me endure that again, perhaps just because it suits her whim at some point. I know that in comparison to past experiences she is being very generous in allowing me weekly opportunities right now to beg for permission to touch myself and I am very grateful for that.

My mind continues to spin as I contemplate a lifetime of strict chastity but I realize that I should be thankful that Ms Lee cares enough about me to commit to a permanent responsibility to oversee my opportunities to enjoy sexual pleasure. I am very fortunate to be her property and I can’t thank her enough for that.

When I presented the draft of this blog entry (up to this point) to Ms Lee she told me she wanted me to express how her decision of lifetime chastity made me FEEL, not what I thought about it. She challenged me, once again, to give her the answer she really wanted, not the one I thought she wanted.

How I feel is overwhelmed. I have been experiencing a mix of feelings which have been difficult to pick apart. The primary feeling I am experiencing is one of losing control. I may enjoy wearing lingerie like a sissy but I am still a man inside and my first instinct is to try to take control of a situation. If chastity was an on and off thing then I still maintain some level of control. But to embrace the reality that I will spend the rest of my life in chastity without a break means that I will never again have control of my own sexuality. I will never again be free to decide how and when I can touch myself or produce. The very thought of giving up any control at all scares me very deeply.

Right behind my feeling of a loss of control is one of acceptance. I know that I am incapable of properly controlling my sexual desires and impulses. I will always fall into a rut of masturbating multiple times a day like a little schoolboy, wasting my time and energy. Being in chastity for Ms Lee provides me with the discipline I am incapable of applying myself. I know it is for the best if I embrace the idea of being in chastity for the rest of my life because I can trust Ms Lee to know what is best for me. Along with acceptance I am feeling a sense of relief, knowing that I will never again have to worry about wrestling with that demon pigmale inside of me. Ms Lee will eradicate that demon.

One other thing I am feeling is uncertainty. I know what chastity is like but I have no idea how things will play out now that I accept giving up any control at all regarding my sexuality. I trust Ms Lee without reservation but it scares me to go into this uncharted land of no control. So I run back to that feeling of acceptance and embrace it. I must let go of control and truly embrace being the property of Ms Lee. It feels good to let go.

Chastity Forever

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